Muted Desires
by IrishPrincess3
Summary: Rick Grimes was a good man, one that had fallen into the cracks but had been pulled back up. By who? His best friend Hollie West, who just happened to be deaf. Hollie was there for nearly every life event of Rick Grimes and he had devoted his life to making her feel normal. Being deaf is not an easy feat when you have walkers chasing you. Can the two manage to keep each other safe?
1. Chapter 1

Rick Grimes. Everyone in the prison knew his story, whether he liked it or not. It wasn't a secret that his wife and him had problems, or that she died during Judith's birth. Nor was it a secret that Rick had gone a little bit crazy after the death of Lori. But that never affected anyone at the prison anymore, they loved him. He was a perfect leader even though he exactly didn't make anymore concrete decisions. Ever since the council was made things had gone smoothly and Rick handled all the other aspects of the prisons. Like keeping us safe, making sure nothing out of the ordinary was happening and that we all had enough food and supplies. I had been best friends with Rick Grimes since I was only seventeen, so nearly fifteen years. I had been around when he began dating Lori, when he proposed, when the two got married and then when they had Carl. I was there for practically all the milestones in his life. I was nothing special but all of his friends- Shane and his wife, included- were kind to me. In their eyes I was just the little deaf woman who Rick always took care of.

Deaf, you heard me right. Since a fatal car accident when I was sixteen, I had lost all of my hearing and there was no way to fix it. I could talk normally since I had been talking for sixteen years, but I never knew what it sounded like. Rick had recently learned sign language but I preferred reading his lips and seeing his eyes for emotion. Lori hadn't bothered since she figured Rick would have dropped me soon enough when she had Carl, but he never did. Rick was committed to my well-being and he made sure I was always cared for. This resulted in him coming to my house everyday after work to chat before he went home for dinner. With all these chats, there came the woes of his dying marriage and anger at his wife not listening to him.

I was there for him when Lori was not. I was the shoulder he metaphorically cried on and the voice of reason. When he offered of the suggestion of leaving his wife, I told him that something that was broken, could always be fixed with a little love and care. He took that to heart and went home with flowers from my garden, presenting them to his somewhat shallow yet kind wife. It worked for a few days and then it went to hell again. I couldn't do anything more. So I just listened, well, read his lips and tried to be a comforting friend. Which he told me multiple times that he appreciated. He made me happy and I could never admit to him that I had feelings for him that weren't exactly friendly. But what would he care? He had a wife, despite her attitude, and a wonderful son, who always was glad to see me. And that's where the unhappiness stemmed from. It became deep and ruthless.

I lay at night in my bed and would cry myself to sleep at the mere thought of Rick and I. He would never love me the way I wanted him to. I knew if I even suggested my true feelings, he'd shut me down and explain that he only loved Lori. So I never tried. When Rick left after our daily chats, I'd take my medicine, sit in my sun-room and mindlessly stare outside. I never told him of my ailment: depression. It would add more pressure to his already weighed down life. So I bottled it up, took my medicine and pretended that my life was as good as it could be. A total lie.

When the outbreak happened, Rick had been declared dead by Shane and everyone believed him. Except me, so I went to the hospital to see for myself but Shane stopped me halfway to his room and took me away. The outbreak was happening and he wanted to get Lori, Carl and myself to a safe place. So it had been settled. We were off to Atlanta, much to my anger. I didn't want to leave Rick's body back in Kings County but we had. And that's how I ended up in the small camp that was led by Shane. Well, that was until Rick showed up alive and well. It was a joyous day but not for long. Rick was all over Lori, so I had retreated to my tent for days until he sought me out. He had hugged me tight for a long time, whispering words I couldn't hear. It bothered me when he did that. When I couldn't know what he was saying, even if it was foolish or not. I had cried that day out of happiness and sadness.

The months passed and moved on, lost people and had some close calls. I had managed to survive despite my deafness but only because of Rick and Daryl, who had taken a liking to me after we left the farm. They were my protectors, but I wasn't useless. I knew how to protect myself well with both a knife and a gun, thanks to Rick. We spent a lot of time on the road and that's when we all figured out Lori was pregnant with either Rick or Shane's child. That crushed Rick, knowing that his wife had cheated on him, and I had been there. Lori had watched our interactions from afar and glared wholeheartedly at me but never commented on it. She knew she was slowly losing her husband of nearly thirteen years and I was the only one holding him up.

*** New Story, not my first fanfiction though. I have another account on here but I will not let you know what my other username is. Enjoy this. I figured there wasn't a lot of Rick Grimes/OC fanfictions so I created my own sort.. ***


	2. Chapter 2

**Fifteen Years Ago**

I had only been deaf for a year but was still getting use to the fact that everything was silent. The accident had ruined all of my plans, but my father insisted that I still get a college education. So he enrolled me to a small community college for my original, intended major: criminal justice. It was hard, the first year, but I got use to it and worked hard to earn good marks. I had met Rick Grimes one day when I was walking home from college. He was fresh out of school and a new cop, but he wore his badge proudly. He had managed to nearly hit me with his car and got out, yelling at me and pointing around. I stared at him blindly, trying to read his lips to the best of my ability. All I caught was 'stupid', 'hit', and 'why'.

"I can't hear you." I shakily said, still unsure how to talk without hearing myself.

"What the hell do you mean?" He said slowly, allowing me to catch his words.

"I'm deaf. I'm reading your lips." I explained. "I'm sorry I ran into the street, I didn't hear anything coming around the bend." He nodded, eying me over.

"It's fine. You from around here?" I nodded. "Let me give you a ride, miss. I don't think you should be walkin' around."

"I'm not incapable!" I hissed out. I didn't like it when people thought I was an invalid because of my disability.

"I didn't mean to offend you, miss. Please, let me make up for my actions by giving you a ride home." I nodded and he led me to his car, getting me settled before asking me where I lived. We rode in silence, which was fine with me, since all I could hear _was _silence. Since I didn't live far, he parked in my driveway and I saw him eying my father who had emerged from the house at the sound of his car. I thanked the officer as I got out, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm. "What's your name?"

"Hollie." I said after a pause.

"I'm Rick." I nodded and left him, walking up to my dad who had a confused face. Shaking my head, I walked inside the house, leaving the new cop sitting in our driveway. From then on, Rick Grimes seemed to show up anywhere I went. Always helping me out, giving me rides and just making sure I was alright. At first, it was annoying. I thought Rick Grimes was making me out to be an invalid, when in reality, I could handle myself pretty well. It took a few months until I figured out that he was just being nice, trying to be a friend, considering I really had none. I noticed that at college no one really bothered to invest themselves in getting to know me. I was the quiet, deaf girl who had issues understanding the professors and had even more issues trying to pass all of my courses. It was difficult to do everything with a limited sense.

* * *

><p>The day I actually began liking Rick Grimes conquests at being my friend, was the day I ran into him at the supermarket with his girlfriend. I had no clue the young cop had a pretty girlfriend, but I overcame my shock to just nod and smile. Lori wasn't one of my favorite people but I grew to deal with her attitude and just made the best of what I could. She was a beautiful, young woman, like myself. She was Rick's height with chocolate brown hair and dark blue eyes. She was extremely pale and thin, her spine was visible when she wore tank tops. It made myself ache with envy but I knew that my body was just as thin, just not to that extent. Rick looked in love, and I knew this was the woman he wanted to stay with for the rest of his life. He explained later that he had just begun dating Lori, but loved her dearly.<p>

"I know she's the one I will spend my life with, Holls." He told me one day when we were at my house. My dad had recently fell ill and was in the hospital, so it was just me at home.

"Whatever makes you happy." I told him in a quiet voice. "She seems nice." Rick nodded and went on to say how absolutely wonderful Lori was, again. I paid half attentioned, thinking more so about my father. He had been in the hospital for a few weeks now and I hadn't told Rick, I just mentioned that my dad was on a trip. He didn't need to worry.

"Holls?" I heard Rick ask and I jerked my head to him, a questioning look on my face. "Are you listening?" I shook my head and gave him a sad look, knowing he was upset at me. I stood and walked him to the door when he wanted to leave, giving him a smile. "Is your dad comin' home soon? I don't like you being here all alone."

"Soon." Was all I said and he believed it. If only he knew that my poor old father wasn't coming back. He barely made it another week before surgery took him away from me. The last words he ever heard me say was "Rick will take care of me, daddy". And I wasn't wrong. A few days after my father's death, I went over to Rick's house and explained to him where my father had really been. He was extremely upset that I never bothered to tell him, and he vowed to make sure I was financially stable. I objected of course, he didn't make a lot, so I didn't want to burden him. My father's retirement fund and bank accounts were all transferred to me, so I had enough money to take care of myself.

The funeral was a small affair that myself, Rick and a few of my father's friend's attended. It was a warmed day with a cool breeze, so I had wore a dress and a nice, gray blazer. The priest made it simple enough and soon my father was being lowered into the ground. I watched at the groundskeepers started piling dirt on his casket, my tears clouding my vision. Rick led me away to his truck, taking me back to my house where we shared coffee and some apple pie in memory of my father. He had always loved his apple pie. Lori had called a few times, but Rick ignored them each time, not even bothering to call her back.

"Hollie, why don't you go lay down?" Rick suggested. "I am going to see Lori and then I'll be back." I followed his suggestion and he left quickly. I changed from my nice clothes to simple sweats and a sweatshirt. Soon I was falling asleep in my room, not even seeing Rick slip into the room with me. When I woke up a few hours later, I was in Rick's arms as he whispered unheard words to me. I shifted and he gave me a smile, pulling me closer, comforting me.

"Thank you for being my friend." Was all I said, but that was all he needed to hear. Soon he had tears falling down his face, his head in my neck.

* * *

><p><strong>Fourteen Years Ago<strong>

Rick Grimes was marrying Lori. It was a short engagement and short wedding planning, and soon enough they were getting married. I wasn't invited to be in the wedding like Rick wanted, only because Lori didn't "know me well enough". You could tell that Rick had desperately wanted me to be up there while he got married. So, instead, I sat in the front with his parents since they knew me, and watched with a sad smile. Lori looked beautiful as always, wearing a fitted white gown with lace sleeves and sparkles everywhere. Envious, I watched as my only friend kissed the woman of his dreams and then walk out of the church. The reception was wonderful as well, I danced with Rick's father and then Shane, since he was being nice. Lori made Rick stay with her for most of the night, but when he had finally snuck away, he came to dance with me.

"It's a slow song." He told me with a smile as he led me to the dance floor. We swayed together, arms wrapped around each other while Lori glared. From everyone elses perspective, it looked just like it should have been. Two friends dancing together. I wanted to admit to Rick that I loved him more than anything, but he was married and happy. My feelings shoved aside, I watched him lead his bride off to their car so they could embark on their honeymoon. As I watched with an aching heart, Rick's father stopped beside me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"I wish it was you." His father said and gave me an affectionate squeeze of his hand. I watched in disbelief as he winked at me and then led his wife, Rick's mother, off. I went home that night and cried more than I should have.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thirteen Years Ago**

I stood in line at the pharmacy, my foot bouncing on the white tiled floor. It seemed the line was going slower and slower, making my patience dwindle to nothing. With a sigh, I stepped forward when someone else did, noticing how close I was getting. The counter was mere feet in front of me. Since Rick had gotten married, he had less time for me, but that was expected. He still came over after work for a bit, but it was short considering Lori called him everyday to know where he was at. The long hours of sitting by myself, not only at college, but at home too, made me lonely. Soon after the realization that I had no one except Rick I started to see that I was slowly falling. Not literally, but I felt like a part of myself was cracking and failing. So here I was, waiting to get my first round of antidepressants. I finally got to the counter and asked for my medicine, which they produced pretty quickly. Paying with my credit card, I started to walk towards the front of the store when a hand grabbed mine. I flung around to see who it was, and was surprised to see Lori Grimes.

"Hollie?" Lori asked with a tight smile, her eyes on the bag in my hand. "Funny seeing you here." She joked, obviously wanting to know more about what the contents of the bag was. "How have you been?" Small talk. She wanted to make it seem like we were friends, but even she knew that we would never be as close of friends as Rick wanted us to be.

"I've been alright. How about yourself, Lori?" I questioned lightly, holding the bag closer to me.

"Sick, honestly. Been throwing up every morning, think it's a sign." She was smirking, knowing that it would get under my skin. "Came to pick up this pregnancy test." I swallowed and nodded.

"Wonderful. If you are, congrats. Rick really wants a kid, has he ever mentioned that to you?" I saw her falter and then force a smile on her face. I'm guessing Rick didn't divulge a lot of information to her as much as she wanted him too.

"What about you?" She asked quickly. "Picking up some vitamins?" She gave a pointed look to the bag.

"Iron supplements. I have a slight deficiency, nothing a few pills for a bit can solve." I lied swiftly and shrugged, seeing her face deflate. She had hoped it was something more revealing, such as my real illness, depression. "Guess I need some more spinach and steak in me." I joked, seeing her give a forced chuckle. "Well, hope you get the results you want. Have a great day, Lori." I smiled and walked off, not looking back to see her deadly glare. I went home that day and opened up my pharmacy bag, wishing that I did have an iron deficiency instead of depression. Taking the required amount from the bottle, I hid it in my closet and laid down for the rest of the night. Rick didn't come over, and I realized that Lori did get the results she wanted. She was pregnant. Deep down, I was happy, I really was, but it was clouded with darkness.

* * *

><p>Carl Grimes was born later that year, a small baby with quite a personality. Rick had called me soon after the birth and made sure Shane had come to get me so I could go to the hospital. Shane didn't try talking to me, which was alright with me. He had never been my favorite person and he seemed to be extremely jealous of Rick, his best friend. I never mentioned to Rick the way Shane looked at Lori, but I knew he would find out soon enough. When we had gotten to the hospital, Lori had a protective hold on her new son, not wanting me to hold him. Of course, Rick quickly intervened and took Carl from his wife, handing him over to me. I saw Lori's immediate displeased face, but I ignored it and looked down at the small boy. He had Rick's beautiful blue eyes and Lori's dark hair. A good mixture.<p>

"Hello there, little one." I cooed and rocked the tiny baby, noticing Rick's eyes light up and a smile to cover his face. "He is beautiful." I grinned and smiled at Lori, and for once in my life, it was genuine.

"_I want you to be Carl's godmother, Holls._" Rick signed to me slowly. He had started learning how to sign nearly a year ago, of course, he barely had time but he somehow managed to learn it.

"What did you just say to her?" Lori asked her husband as I beamed at him in shock. "Rick!" He finally looked at his wife who sat up in the hospital bed with an angered look.

"I want Hollie to be his godmother." Rick told his wife.

"We didn't discuss that, Rick. Sorry, Hollie, but-" She was cut off by Rick who gave his wife a look. He turned back to me and saw my hurt expression, his eyes softening.

"You _are_ Carl's godmother, Holls. And you always will be." He said as he put a hand on my shoulder. Lori crossed her arms and looked at Shane for some help, but he just shrugged and looked away. More of Lori's anger at me stemmed from this moment. She didn't want me to be her son's godmother, but I was, and she just had to get over it.

* * *

><p><strong>*A huge time jump *<strong>

**Five Years Ago**

Work had been hard, so I had come home and immediately popped open a bottle of wine and drank straight from the bottle. I had graduated college awhile ago with an associates in Criminal Justice and moved onto becoming a probation officer. Of course, my hearing problem made it an issue to handle certain things. My supervisor had told me that being deaf was not something to be upset about, it gave me a new perspective. I knew that drinking with my antidepressants was probably a bad mixture, but I didn't care. Taking another sip, I sat the bottle on my coffee table and propped my feet up. Carl would be five tomorrow and I was looking forward to going to see him tomorrow. I had noticed that Lori was upset with me, but she always had been. I never really lingered on it anymore. Apparently Rick had been worrying about me since I hadn't been in touch lately, and told Lori about this concerns. The only reason I knew this was because Rick had told me when he had came over a week ago. He had no need to worry. I was perfectly alright, well, I knew it was a lie, but as long as he thought it wasn't. He didn't need any added stress. Picking up the wine bottle, I took some of my pills and felt myself becoming sleepy. Everything went black.

When I woke up, I immediately knew I had missed Carl's birthday party. I stumbled from the couch and ran into the kitchen, staring at the clock. It was three in the afternoon. The mixture of alcohol and my pills must had really knocked me out. I put my head in my hands and felt some tears forming. I had promised I would be there and I didn't show up. What a shitty godmother I was. Figuring there was no use in showing up at the Grimes's house and seeing the satisfaction on Lori's face. She would be happy that I screwed up, that I finally made Rick unhappy. Angry at myself, I went and took a cold shower to wake myself and then sat on my bed in only my towel. I let Carl _and _Rick down. Glancing at the wrapped gift that I had wanted to give to Carl, I groaned. What was I going to do now? I felt some tears fall down my face and suddenly someone was wiping them away. I jerked back to see Rick standing in front of me with a frown. I looked away.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, not looking to see if he said anything back. Something was dropped in my lap. The empty wine bottle. I gave a hesitant glance at Rick to see him glaring at the bottle with a clenched jaw.

"You didn't come to your godson's birthday because you were _hungover._" Ricked hissed. It was easy to read his lips since he was so angry. "You knew it was tomorrow, and you still got drunk. God, Lori was right…" I stared at him wide eyed.

"Get out!" I said and saw him give me a shocked look. I had never yelled at him before, so he was surprised. "You wouldn't understand what I have been going through. Do you know how hard it is living this life? You don't. You don't know anything about me anymore because you don't want to see me. You let Lori take advantage of you. Just leave." I saw him take a step back, and I stood, grabbing the gift. "Give this to Carl." He gave me a stiff nod and left without a word. I sighed and threw the empty bottle against the wall, watching it shatter. Lori would have a hay-day when Rick came home and explained to her what happened.

A few days later I had gotten home from work early and decided to do some gardening since my front yard was looking shabby. I usually kept up with all of my housework but my pills and the stress I was under made me extremely tired. I decided that I would talk to my doctor, just to make sure the medicine was still working. Slipping on some gloves, I began tearing out weeds and dead flowers. Some new flowers would have to do since most of the plants were dead. Some daisies and autumn joy sedums would look mighty fine out here. Nodding my head to myself I decided that tomorrow after work I would buy some flats of flowers and plant them. After I was done digging out the weeds I swept off the porch and sidewalk. A nice, tall glass of ice tea and some dinner on the porch sounded nice. Putting all of my gardening equipment away, I moved inside and made a small salad and some chicken for dinner. Settling myself on the table on my porch, I enjoyed the nice, warm evening and watched the neighborhood kids running around.

I was almost finished with dinner when a police cruiser pulled in front of my house. It was Rick. I sighed and stood, grabbing my plate and cup to take it inside. I didn't want to talk to the cop, not today. My wounds were still fresh. As I was getting ready to shut the door, Rick rushed up the steps and stopped me with a sad look.

"What do you want?" I questioned with an angry look.

"Our friendship back, alright." Rick told me and I hung my head, still feeling guilty. "I know what I said and I shouldn't have said it. Lori just plants things in my head and she doesn't even know you.."

"Glad you realized." I walked off, seeing him follow me in the corner of my eye. I put my dishes in the sink and began washing them. Rick put his hands on my upper arms and turned me around.

"I'm sorry. I didn't k-know that you felt like I wasn't here enough.. I know I need to be here for you too. I can't drop all of my shit on you and leave." I saw how upset he was and grabbed his face, giving him a small smile.

"Did Carl get his present?" I skillfully changed the subject.

"He did, he loved it." Rick told me, still not smiling. I kissed his cheek and turned around, ignoring his surprised face.

"I'm glad he did." Was all I said as I finished my dishes. When I turned, he was still standing behind me with a look on his face. I couldn't describe it, it was a mixture of happiness and longing with a pinch of sadness. Or I could have just mistaken it with amusement. I was just glad that Rick and I were alright.


End file.
